It does get better
I know that now
Only when I began to realise no one was coming to save me, I had to save myself.
Now I'm forever left with constant reminders of those dark days.
Days when I sat in tears, begging for someone to care enough to stop me.
I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay.
How am I supposed to explain that? Should I one day find someone who cares, how do I explain away those reminders of times when I wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't wise enough?
I can never leave those times behind.
I will be tethered to them forever, the constant tugging to remind me how far I've come, an
I stopped looking for monsters under my bed, not because they weren't there
But because I realised they were inside of me
The never ending conundrum:
How do you kill something inside of you, without killing yourself?
As the impossibility of the thought consumes me, I feel my hands shake as tears fall.
Not enough air is coming in
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
I'm killing
I'm dying
There's no way out....
Formulas go around and around in her head, because that's all that makes sense anymore.
"E=mgh, c= 3.0 times 10^8 m/s, 1eV=1.6 times 10^-19..." but behind all that logic was an undercurrent of self hatred and repulsion, she couldn't escape...it consumed her. It made her a scared little girl, desperate to prove her worth, and yet she doesn't want to grow up, she doesn't want to face the future, but she doesn't want to die.
So every day she plays a numbers game, because numbers make sense
"0-394+50+ (2 times 16) +134....must always end in negatives" because negative numbers are the best kind, they mean she still has control. They thought she
Kate;
She was staring at her reflection in the mirror again.
Her large, dead, brown eyes were staring back at her.
There hadn't been any life in them for a long time.
The sun was shining outside, sparking off the small fish pond in her backyard; it was a perfect spring day.
But spring held little joy for her these days.
Nothing held any joy for her anymore.
Her body was wearied from the years of self inflicted torment, her hair was thinning and her unsightly frail legs were barely able to carry her.
She could see it now, as she stared at herself, as the sun continued to sparkle outside.
She could see what she had done.
She felt guil
She comes home with tears in her eyes
Because she knows she's too young to feel like this
Hunger is better than a sugar rush
But the voices in her head won't hush
No one's looking but she's falling apart
Never good enough
She's far too fat
She needs to take control
Take her life back
Hungry helps her to get away
She tells herself she will eat again one day
But she hates herself she doesn't deserve
To feed herself she's loosing her nerve
No one's looking but she's falling apart
Never good enough
She's far too fat
She needs to take control
Take her life back
10 years old and she's just a mess
Starving is a way to handle her s
It does get better
I know that now
Only when I began to realise no one was coming to save me, I had to save myself.
Now I'm forever left with constant reminders of those dark days.
Days when I sat in tears, begging for someone to care enough to stop me.
I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay.
How am I supposed to explain that? Should I one day find someone who cares, how do I explain away those reminders of times when I wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't wise enough?
I can never leave those times behind.
I will be tethered to them forever, the constant tugging to remind me how far I've come, an
I stopped looking for monsters under my bed, not because they weren't there
But because I realised they were inside of me
The never ending conundrum:
How do you kill something inside of you, without killing yourself?
As the impossibility of the thought consumes me, I feel my hands shake as tears fall.
Not enough air is coming in
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
I'm killing
I'm dying
There's no way out....
Formulas go around and around in her head, because that's all that makes sense anymore.
"E=mgh, c= 3.0 times 10^8 m/s, 1eV=1.6 times 10^-19..." but behind all that logic was an undercurrent of self hatred and repulsion, she couldn't escape...it consumed her. It made her a scared little girl, desperate to prove her worth, and yet she doesn't want to grow up, she doesn't want to face the future, but she doesn't want to die.
So every day she plays a numbers game, because numbers make sense
"0-394+50+ (2 times 16) +134....must always end in negatives" because negative numbers are the best kind, they mean she still has control. They thought she
Kate;
She was staring at her reflection in the mirror again.
Her large, dead, brown eyes were staring back at her.
There hadn't been any life in them for a long time.
The sun was shining outside, sparking off the small fish pond in her backyard; it was a perfect spring day.
But spring held little joy for her these days.
Nothing held any joy for her anymore.
Her body was wearied from the years of self inflicted torment, her hair was thinning and her unsightly frail legs were barely able to carry her.
She could see it now, as she stared at herself, as the sun continued to sparkle outside.
She could see what she had done.
She felt guil
She comes home with tears in her eyes
Because she knows she's too young to feel like this
Hunger is better than a sugar rush
But the voices in her head won't hush
No one's looking but she's falling apart
Never good enough
She's far too fat
She needs to take control
Take her life back
Hungry helps her to get away
She tells herself she will eat again one day
But she hates herself she doesn't deserve
To feed herself she's loosing her nerve
No one's looking but she's falling apart
Never good enough
She's far too fat
She needs to take control
Take her life back
10 years old and she's just a mess
Starving is a way to handle her s
nine things about yourself:
1. there is no one i hate more than myself
2. my epic twin is absolutley amazing
3. i was born in New Zealand
4. i'm a black sheep in my family
5. if i had any super-power, i would want invisibility
6. i'm a kwonger
7. i'm shivering
8. i want to be a daisy
9. one day i will change the world
Day One: Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People Right Now
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart(s).
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.
1. of course frames next!
2. its not me your fging, its he voice ha you think doesnt exist so shut the hell up ad stop pretending you care!
3. you think this is helping me but every night i go to sleep and a part of
[] You have a boyfriend/girlfriend
[X] You have your own room.
[X] You own a cell phone.
[X] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[X] Your parents are still married. (i'm pretty sure they dont want to be)
[] You have more than 2 best friends.
[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard
T 0 T A L: 4
[ ] You dress how you want to.
[ x] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[X] There is a computer/laptop in your room.
[] You have never been beaten up.
[ ] You never cry more than twice a month.
[X] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[X] Your room is big enough for you.
[X] People don't use you for something y